so much to say where do I start?

wow, its been a long time since I wrote on this that I really dont know where to start. I have so much to say and write but I just really do not know where to start and have just really lost all my train of thought.

I have been so upset here lately that it is not even funny anymore. I have also been having really bad headaches here lately and just not feeling well. I have been so stressed about things lately that I just do not know if I am coming or going anymore.

We flew to Mississippi the week of the 16th-22nd. Tabitha graduated on the 19th from High School. She placed 5th in her class. She got some awards and even got a scholarship. She is going to attend Mississippi State University and major in something medical. She told me but for the life of me I forgot what it was. :-( I tell you here lately my memory is really getting the best of me. I really got upset while I was there because I never got a picture of me and tabitha together in her cap and gown whereas ex and his wife got pictures of her the previous saturday at her graduation. Tabitha was also upset about the whole ordeal. Also I got upset with the fact ex's wife mom made a comment that Jonathan had to go back with them because he had a test the next morning. Well, hello, ex was the one that asked me to take Jonathan with him, because they had no room in the car so I was a little more than upset with her statement. I hardly spent much time with Tabitha because she was always with friends and I always had to call her on her cell phone for her to come and meet us. Jonathan had a test on Wednesday so I hardly spent much time with him because he had to study for this test. If he did not pass it he would have failed the 11th grade and not be able to go to the 12th. So, I hardly spent that much time with either one of them.

I was really surprised at how much things cost when we went out to eat and even shopping. We spent more money on food and eating out than anything. :-(

After getting back home, it was not long that I got accused of things once again by ex's wife. It never fails that when I either call to talk to Jonathan and Tabitha or come see them, she has got to accuse me of something and this time was no different. Well, actually it was not her that accused me of something but she put her two cents in and as usual made me feel like I was stupid and she "loves and cares for Jonathan and Tabitha". yeah right. makes me want to puke. She hates it when I call them my kids. Well, I gave birth to them, so what does she want me to say?? Anyway, I was very upset over the fact that I was accused of something I did not do, but I got things straightened out without her help.

Things with Gerardo seems to be so more stressful and just really chaotic. We seem to be arguing over every little thing here lately. Every time he comes home he seems to find something to be on the defensive about and it ends up in a screaming match and I have just had enough. He is not happy at work and he has no idea what he will be doing next month and is now putting applications in. I really don't like the fact he is not home every night because I could really use the help with Katherina and around the house some. When he comes home on Friday night he seems to be everywhere but here in the home with us. He is either downstairs with his sister or next door at his mom. I am really starting to wonder where his priorities are and if he just really does not want to be here in the house with me and Katherina. Tuesday we were on the phone arguing whether or not Adriano had school books upstairs that Katherina could use next year. I told him I looked upstairs. Even asked his sister and she said she got them from the school. The only thing she bought was the workbooks to go with the books. Well, he just gets defensive saying he saw a book upstairs and I just said look, I will leave the list here and you can go look for yourself. I swear I am just really starting to feel that I am either stupid or going completely out of my mind. We have really been drifting apart now for the last two years and I blame myself for this. We are living more like we are separated and fixing to be divorced than married. I feel I am doing everything alone and we have not even been intimate for a very long time now. I also know I am to blame for that as well. I just feel like we are so far away from each other and not even remotely close anymore. I just really dont know how much more I can take. Something is fixing to break here pretty soon. I just know it.

I am really struggling spiritually, physically, and mentally. I just feel like I am at the end of my rope. I am looking for something more than what I am getting at C and I am just not finding it. I want more encouragement, more accountability, more fellowship and more compassion for each other and I am just not getting it. Maybe I am just reading too much into all this. I don't know. Is it possible to have C burnout? I just feel like I am missing something and I want some answers and something visible and its not happening. I am asking myself tons of questions and am really not getting any answers and doing it on my own is not helping either.

I am so tired of fighting. I want some rest and some peace, not fighting all the time.

end of January

Well today is the last day of January and I am wondering where the month has gone. So much has happened this month that I dont know if I am coming or going. I went into a deep depresion and just did not see an end to a situation that I am in. After having heated arguments with WRH, I have decided that I am taking a hiatus at C. I told myself I was not going to have any negativity in my life this year and get rid of some of it and I am sticking to my guns. I know this is a lot of my problems so its time to either put up or shut up. I am so sick of being accused of things that I have not done and this last week was a real shocker. CG finally pissed me off so the heck with her, she has her G and if people want to listen to her lies then so be it. I am sick of being lied too. You can not talk to people that are stubborn and strong willed like this and her, WRH and GC are like this. MYL has really pissed me off and to tell WRH this just really like made things worse, so I have a decision to make. I can not sit here and be quiet anymore about MYL and I will not pretend that things are hunky dory anymore. So the heck with it. Let MYL and WRH have the C, I dont care anymore. C is not as important to me anymore. It has been nothing but drama and unendless stress to me, so, I just refuse to deal with C. I am tired of WRH saying I want C my way and that is not true. BH kept saying all of this was a misunderstanding and I let MYL down. Well, heck MYL let me down by not doing this FT or FTR MYL said she was going to do. And MYL said she was going to do this by the end of November. hmm...where is the R?? I got a phone call from DKH asking if I wanted to be on the FTR and I specifically told DKH, no I would rather not. Wonder what made DKH call and ask me that. How come MYL could not call and ask?? MYL too big to pick up a phone and ask? or did she put DKH up to calling me and asking. dont really care because I aint gonna put my name on it. Have had enough and wont do nothing else for the FT or C. WRH has humiliated me and made it look like I have lost my mind and am going crazy. That will be the last time WRH will do that.

well, am sure there is a lot of things I could say but I will save it for another day.

Her Love ( a poem by me)

Her love

Every morning when I wake up
I get a taste of her sweet loving cup
As she opens her eyes
they shine like sunshine rays.

Every morning I kiss her sweet lips
and caress her body with my fingertips
her kisses are as sweet as wine
I long to kiss them over and over again
her voice sounds like angels singing
much joy and happiness with each word she brings.
Her laughter is music to my ears
It is a song I love to hear.
Her skin is smooth as silk
The touch of her hand drives me to the brink
of surrendering my heart and love
to this sweet, loving woman that was sent from above
She is my heart and soul
she is my love and my life
With her love I am whole
she completes my life
and brightens my day
in a sweet and loving way
with her love I can do anything
and without her I am nothing
Her love brings so much joy and happiness
that I want to bring her just as much joy and happiness
Her love puts a song in my heart
her love I do not want to be apart
her love fulfills my every fantasy
it brings me so much ectasy
her love brings me so much pleasure
it can never be weighed or measured
her love will live inside of me forever
it grows stronger and will die never.

written by LC
8/12/01

Friends ( a poem by me)

Friends

Just what is a friend?
Wat does friendship mean to you?
Here is my definition of a friend

F- fun to be with, forever by your side
R-respects you for who you are, respects your wishes and opinions as you do theirs but have a right to make your own decisions and you each accept them
I-is there when you need them and even when you don’t need them
E-enjoys being with you but sometimes needs their space too
N-notices when you are down and tries to bring you up
D-dependable, determined to stay with you through thick and thin no matter what
S-shares their fears, and dreams with you without fear of being critizied

There are no limitations on friendships and for those that but limitations on friendships will not find a true friend.
Friends are there whenever you need them And it helps to know that they are even there when you don't.
Friends are there with you through thick and thin.
To share your joy and your pain or whatever comes around the bend.
Friends are there to help each other through whatever comes their way.
Friends do not turn their backs on each other
They are always there for one another
The bond between friends can not be broken
Even if there are some unkind words or deeds spoken
Freinds are there to share laughter and pain
Love, hopes, dreams, sorrow and joy
They are always there for each other
That is what friends are for.

written by LC 6/20/01

For my mother ( a poem written by me)

For my mother

You brought 4 children into this world
giving us all the love and compassion you had
you lost one of us at an early age
what a tragic loss you had to face
but you endured and surpassed it all
You molded us to do the best
You scolded us when we were bad
tears and laughter we once shared
joy and pain, our highs and our lows
You embraced us with open arms
loving us all from the bottom of your heart
You taught us to be strong
and also how to move on
We are what we are today
because of the love and compassion you shared
now it has come time
that we must let go
and bid you farwell
never more will we see your smiling face
or hear the laughter and joy in your voice
I will miss your loving embrace and support
You were not only my mother but also a good friend
I can only hope that I can be as good as a mother as you
and teach my children the things you taught me
I love you mother and thank you for having me and loving me.

Dedicated to my mother Kathy Ratcliff who died August 19, 2001

written by LC August 15, 2002

Dreams Gone By (poem by me)

Dreams Gone By

I sit here all alone
Thinking of the things that I’ve seen done
All the dreams that I’ve had are gone
I sit here wondering what happened to the love we had
Those endless nights of lovemaking, talking, and sharing
Making each other laugh when we felt like crying
When I had a long hard day
you walked in and smiled that sexy smile
and my troubles went away
The touch of your hand and the warmth of your kisses
Made me feel like I was special and the most luckiest woman in the world.
Now you have walked out the door
Your smiling face and your love for me won’t be there anymore
The fire is gone and we don’t know how to get it back
So now we must live our lives from each other
Trying to get rid of the hurt that was done to each other
So, I bid you farewell and hope that you will find another love
That can give you the love you always needed and wanted
As for me, I will sit here thinking of what went wrong
And learn from it so it won’t happen again
Getting stronger from this day by day
Learning how to get rid of the hurt
Learning how to maybe once again love
Thank you for letting me be a part of your life
I will cherish what time we had together
Our time is done
Now we must move on

Written by LC
November 2000

Done You Wrong (poem by Me)

Done You Wrong

I never meant to hurt you
Never meant to make you blue
Could never love only you
Many things we could never work through
Never was I strong enough
Things said and done
That can never be undone
I know I done you wrong.

Can’t look you in the eyes
So many cold and lonely nights
Can’t tell you how I feel
Everything feels so unreal
Feeling like I am lost and don’t belong
Where did our love go wrong?

Caused you so much pain
Had so much to loose and nothing to gain
Many tears we have cried
We can at least say we tried
Things happened so fast
That our love did not last
Our love was not strong
And I was the one that was wrong.

Written by LC
September, 2004