so much to say where do I start?

wow, its been a long time since I wrote on this that I really dont know where to start. I have so much to say and write but I just really do not know where to start and have just really lost all my train of thought.

I have been so upset here lately that it is not even funny anymore. I have also been having really bad headaches here lately and just not feeling well. I have been so stressed about things lately that I just do not know if I am coming or going anymore.

We flew to Mississippi the week of the 16th-22nd. Tabitha graduated on the 19th from High School. She placed 5th in her class. She got some awards and even got a scholarship. She is going to attend Mississippi State University and major in something medical. She told me but for the life of me I forgot what it was. :-( I tell you here lately my memory is really getting the best of me. I really got upset while I was there because I never got a picture of me and tabitha together in her cap and gown whereas ex and his wife got pictures of her the previous saturday at her graduation. Tabitha was also upset about the whole ordeal. Also I got upset with the fact ex's wife mom made a comment that Jonathan had to go back with them because he had a test the next morning. Well, hello, ex was the one that asked me to take Jonathan with him, because they had no room in the car so I was a little more than upset with her statement. I hardly spent much time with Tabitha because she was always with friends and I always had to call her on her cell phone for her to come and meet us. Jonathan had a test on Wednesday so I hardly spent much time with him because he had to study for this test. If he did not pass it he would have failed the 11th grade and not be able to go to the 12th. So, I hardly spent that much time with either one of them.

I was really surprised at how much things cost when we went out to eat and even shopping. We spent more money on food and eating out than anything. :-(

After getting back home, it was not long that I got accused of things once again by ex's wife. It never fails that when I either call to talk to Jonathan and Tabitha or come see them, she has got to accuse me of something and this time was no different. Well, actually it was not her that accused me of something but she put her two cents in and as usual made me feel like I was stupid and she "loves and cares for Jonathan and Tabitha". yeah right. makes me want to puke. She hates it when I call them my kids. Well, I gave birth to them, so what does she want me to say?? Anyway, I was very upset over the fact that I was accused of something I did not do, but I got things straightened out without her help.

Things with Gerardo seems to be so more stressful and just really chaotic. We seem to be arguing over every little thing here lately. Every time he comes home he seems to find something to be on the defensive about and it ends up in a screaming match and I have just had enough. He is not happy at work and he has no idea what he will be doing next month and is now putting applications in. I really don't like the fact he is not home every night because I could really use the help with Katherina and around the house some. When he comes home on Friday night he seems to be everywhere but here in the home with us. He is either downstairs with his sister or next door at his mom. I am really starting to wonder where his priorities are and if he just really does not want to be here in the house with me and Katherina. Tuesday we were on the phone arguing whether or not Adriano had school books upstairs that Katherina could use next year. I told him I looked upstairs. Even asked his sister and she said she got them from the school. The only thing she bought was the workbooks to go with the books. Well, he just gets defensive saying he saw a book upstairs and I just said look, I will leave the list here and you can go look for yourself. I swear I am just really starting to feel that I am either stupid or going completely out of my mind. We have really been drifting apart now for the last two years and I blame myself for this. We are living more like we are separated and fixing to be divorced than married. I feel I am doing everything alone and we have not even been intimate for a very long time now. I also know I am to blame for that as well. I just feel like we are so far away from each other and not even remotely close anymore. I just really dont know how much more I can take. Something is fixing to break here pretty soon. I just know it.

I am really struggling spiritually, physically, and mentally. I just feel like I am at the end of my rope. I am looking for something more than what I am getting at C and I am just not finding it. I want more encouragement, more accountability, more fellowship and more compassion for each other and I am just not getting it. Maybe I am just reading too much into all this. I don't know. Is it possible to have C burnout? I just feel like I am missing something and I want some answers and something visible and its not happening. I am asking myself tons of questions and am really not getting any answers and doing it on my own is not helping either.

I am so tired of fighting. I want some rest and some peace, not fighting all the time.

end of January

Well today is the last day of January and I am wondering where the month has gone. So much has happened this month that I dont know if I am coming or going. I went into a deep depresion and just did not see an end to a situation that I am in. After having heated arguments with WRH, I have decided that I am taking a hiatus at C. I told myself I was not going to have any negativity in my life this year and get rid of some of it and I am sticking to my guns. I know this is a lot of my problems so its time to either put up or shut up. I am so sick of being accused of things that I have not done and this last week was a real shocker. CG finally pissed me off so the heck with her, she has her G and if people want to listen to her lies then so be it. I am sick of being lied too. You can not talk to people that are stubborn and strong willed like this and her, WRH and GC are like this. MYL has really pissed me off and to tell WRH this just really like made things worse, so I have a decision to make. I can not sit here and be quiet anymore about MYL and I will not pretend that things are hunky dory anymore. So the heck with it. Let MYL and WRH have the C, I dont care anymore. C is not as important to me anymore. It has been nothing but drama and unendless stress to me, so, I just refuse to deal with C. I am tired of WRH saying I want C my way and that is not true. BH kept saying all of this was a misunderstanding and I let MYL down. Well, heck MYL let me down by not doing this FT or FTR MYL said she was going to do. And MYL said she was going to do this by the end of November. hmm...where is the R?? I got a phone call from DKH asking if I wanted to be on the FTR and I specifically told DKH, no I would rather not. Wonder what made DKH call and ask me that. How come MYL could not call and ask?? MYL too big to pick up a phone and ask? or did she put DKH up to calling me and asking. dont really care because I aint gonna put my name on it. Have had enough and wont do nothing else for the FT or C. WRH has humiliated me and made it look like I have lost my mind and am going crazy. That will be the last time WRH will do that.

well, am sure there is a lot of things I could say but I will save it for another day.